You know, the Christmas/Hanukkah pas de deux is just around the corner, at least in geological time, and our librarian friend (we’ve said it before—really, everyone should have a librarian friend) Rebecca Hunt has spotted the perfect stocking-stuffer in this year’s Neiman Marcus holiday catalog: Valery Gergiev conducting the Kirov Orchestra.

Classical music lovers, hold on to your batons. The world-famous Kirov Orchestra. Uber-maestro Valery Gergiev working his Russian magic. Firebrand virtuoso Lola Astanova beating the daylights out of a Steinway® Concert Grand. Performing The Nutcracker Suite, the Tchaikovsky “Piano Concerto,” and another Tchaikovsky masterpiece of your choice. In your hometown, at a private holiday concert for you and 499 of your closest friends. Hosted by Regis Philbin!

The concert will be filmed as an after-party favor for each of your guests. You even get to keep the tour piano after all the artists autograph it. BRAVO!, if we do say so ourselves. (And we do.)

The price? $1,590,000. (Are cannons extra?) That’s an awful lot of money. On the other hand: it’s hosted by Regis Philbin! Time to make some billionaire friends.

Let me just savor that again: hosted by Regis Philbin. God, I love this country.